I'm No Longer Filtering Myself as a Black Gay Man — Here's Why

Photo: Kei Moreno

Like many people in America and beyond, I’ve been profoundly affected by the pandemic and the global Black Lives Matter demonstrations. My business came to a screeching halt due to the coronavirus — and as a result, I’ve had much time to reflect. That’s why I’ve committing to stop filtering myself — not just to others, but to myself.

Let me explain.

As protests erupted over systemic racism, I see now that the world is no longer running from its own B.S. And as a Black gay man, it has given me the confidence to do the same. I know that the shift within me is only possible due to my recovery work and, most importantly, being in the presence of God.

In hopes that I can help empower someone else who needs to discover their inner strength, I’m finally ready to share my story. Here are a few things I’ve learned about myself during these tumultuous times.

I Used Beauty and Gayness As My Secret Weapon

I’ve always known that I am gay, and I experienced trauma as a child as a result. As a young boy, I struggled with feeling unlovable. But when it comes to racism, I can’t say that I’ve had any equally traumatic experiences because I’ve always been a people pleaser. Through the beauty world, I knew how to take care of people who weren’t fully accepting of me.

The funny thing is I didn’t see my Blackness as an obstacle because my gayness got me through the door. I was very much influenced by my grandmother, who raised me and my brother to exude the sense of class and style that she witnessed from working in white homes. I used what I learned from her to present myself as “safe” to people who might feel threatened by my Blackness — a feeling that I know resonates with other men of color.

Early in my career when I worked as a department store makeup artist, I was always one of the few Black men or gay men on the floor. I brought that refineness that I knew was safe for straight white men and women. I would adjust my behavior accordingly: I’d “play nice” and keep it light and sweet to diffuse myself as a threat.

Recovery Work and Quarantining Helped Clear My Mind

I’ve always been the type of person to dive into my work to escape my emotions. When quarantine first began, I was avoiding my own feelings. I was forced to slow down and face myself when I had to close my atelier and stop serving clients. I’m glad that I did, because I don’t want to lose the momentum on the work I’m doing within myself.

In my recovery work over the past four years and especially now, I have finally found my own voice. In trying to find my purpose, I now see the barriers that weren’t visible to me before. I feel an ease and confidence that I didn’t possess before.

I Will No Longer Filter Myself

When I’d go to recovery meetings, many of the other participants were affluent white people. I could tell some people — regardless of their skin color — were filtering themselves because they didn’t want to offend anybody. They, too, were in a sense hiding. But I realized, Holy shit. I do the same thing.

Sitting in those meetings, I remember holding back sharing my experiences in my own authentic voice because I was afraid I would offend someone. Now, I think, My experience is my experience, and I’m no longer apologizing for it.

Stay tuned for part two of my story.