This Is How I Finally Learned to Accept Myself (Part 2)

Photo: Kei Moreno

This is part two of my self-acceptance story — read part one here.

Through my recovery work during the pandemic and protests, I realized that I was denouncing myself and compartmentalizing who I was, especially around white people. My eyes have been opened because I know now that I tried to hide from my Blackness.

Keep reading to find out how I finally learned to accept myself.

I Have Accepted Myself — In All My Gayness and Blackness

Though I haven’t faced aggressive racism, a few minor instances do stand out to me. I’d go to job interviews and I’d see a white gay makeup artist who didn’t bring half the skills I had to the table. I was trying to get through those doors, but as far as talent, I was already there.

At the same time, there were times when I unknowingly resented and rejected my Blackness or undermined myself with my femininity. I used to always say, “I’m like a refined white woman.” Don’t get me wrong — I only have love for my white friends and colleagues. But why couldn’t I just accept myself as a Black man who likes those finer things? Why did it have to be a white aspirational thing?

When I started to get heavy into drugs, I could only see myself through the lens of white aspiration. I closed my mind off to my own community and culture even though I never truly left them.

I realize how my own thinking about my upbringing in the so-called “ghetto” was limited, misogynist, and negative. I allowed it to affect everything from the friends I chose who seemed to be worlds away from the “‘hood,'“ to how I approached my own masculinity.

Now, I’m proud of where I come from. I won’t apologize for growing up in that roughness. I’m happy with my Black skin and the type of man that I am.

I’m Shifting My Approach to the Hustle

I also used to believed that success would only come if I built a celebrity clientele. Being surrounded by that environment where the hustle was real only helped to instill this value. I thought that’s what I needed to prove that I deserved to have a seat at the table.

Now, I don’t feel the need to “hustle” that way. I don’t need to taste and lust after certain things to validate me — whether it’s my idea of “success,” the approval of others, or gaining material things.

When we start to understand who you are, you realize you don’t need as much as you thought you need to feel okay in this world. That’s the path of the journey that I’m on. Through this process, I learned to embrace every part of myself — including the young, “unlovable” boy I used to be.

I am ready to step into my power. I’ll no longer apologize for my Blackness, my femininity (or my masculinity), or my sense of leadership. And I hope you’ll join me and embark on your own self-acceptance journey.